Muslim Divorces have been increasing over the past years. It is time to
take a look at ourselves and see what we need to do to halt these
occurences. It is not uncommon nowadays to come across Muslim women (and
even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the age of 30 or 35, have been
married 3 or 4 times, their children suffering over and over again
through the pain of fatherless and ruined homes. Therefore, we may list a
few crucial things to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the
progression of selecting a partner in life (although the male pronoun
has been used throughout for the sake of simpleness, the following is by
and large equally applicable to both males and females).
muslim matrimony
1. Du'a. Constantly ask assistance and guidance from Allah, Most High,
in the subject of finding and deciding on a mate. As often as you sense
it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for
guidance, in order to arrive at a proper decision.
2. Consult your spirit. Pay attention to what your internal voice, the
'radar' which Allah has given you to direct you, tells you about the
potential partner. It is probable to be more truthful than your
brainpower, which frequently plays tricks and can rationalise just about
everything. For a lot of individuals, initial impressions are usually
the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the motive behind why this man desires to wed you.
Is he interested in you as an individual or will just anyone do? Why is
he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry somebody from his
culture? If there is proof that the main motive for this marriage, in
spite of claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money,
property) forget it. This spells danger.
4. Get to know your potential partner, inside the limitations of what is
allowed in Islam, prior to deciding on marriage. Merely ' seeing'
somebody once or twice in the presence of other people, who might be
anxious for this matrimony to occur, is just not sufficient in today's
environment, where two people of entirely dissimilar backgrounds are
meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating
Islam's prohibition regarding being alone, attempt to comprehend his
character, what makes him tick, his personality, what he may be like to
live with.
5. Speak to a number of individuals who know your potential partner, not
just one, or ask somebody whom you can rely on do this for you. Inquire
about him from a number of people, not merely from his friends as they
might hide specifics to do him a favour. And inquire not only about his
background, career, religousness, etc., but about such essential issues
as whether or not he gets angry easily; what he does when he is upset;
whether or not he is tolerant, polite, considerate; how he gets along
with people; how he relates to the opposite gender; what kind of
relationship he has with his mother and father; whether or not he is
fond of children; what his individual habits are, et cetera.
Furthermore, find out about his plans for the future from people who
know him. Do they align with what he has shared with you? Go into as
much detail as you can. Check out his plans for the future - where you
will reside and what your life-style will be, his attitudes regarding
money and property and the like. If you cannot obtain answers to such
important inquiries from individuals who know him, ask him yourself and
strive to make certain he is not simply saying what he knows you desire
to hear. A lot of individuals will make all sorts of promises prior to
marriages to obtain the partner they desire but afterwards fail to
remember that they ever made them, (this applies similarly to females as
to males).
6. Find out about his family, his relations with his mother and father,
brothers and sisters. What will his responsibilities be to them in the
future? How will this have an effect on where and under what
circumstances you will live? What are the personality and character of
both of his parents? Will they reside with you or you with them? And are
they happy with his potential marriage to you? Though it might not be
the situation in the majority Western marriages, amongst Muslims these
kinds of matters are usually essential to the success or collapse of a
marriage, and the answers to these questions ought to be satisfactory to
ensure a peaceful married life.
7. Be aware of each other's expectations. Attempt to get a feeling of
your potential partner's perception of the marriage relationship, how he
will act in a number of conditions, and what he desires of you as his
partner. These are matters that must be discussed clearly as the
negotiations move forward, not left to turn into sources of discord
following the marriage because they were never brought up in advance. If
you are too shy to ask these questions, ask a person you trust do it
for you. At an advanced phase of the negotiations, this kind of a
conversation ought to consist of such things as birth control, when
children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels
about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing, whether
or not you can go to school or work, relations with his relatives and
yours, and additional crucial matters.
8. Observe him interacting with other people in a variety of situations.
The more diverse circumstances under which you are able to examine your
potential partner, the more clues you will have as to his manner of
dealing with people and situations.
9. Find out what his conception of Islam is and whether or not it is
similar with your own. This is a very significant issue. Is he expecting
you to do a lot of things that you have not done up to this time? If
he emphasises " Haraams", particularly if you are a new Muslima, and
appears unable to tolerate your viewpoint, odds are your marriage will
be in danger unless you are flexible enough to accommodate yourself to
his point of view and perhaps a very restrictive way of life. Let him
spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he
wishes you to practise it as his spouse so there will be no
misunderstandings later on.
10. Do not be in a rush. So many marriages have broken because the
companions are in such haste that they do not take time to make such
essential checks as the types outlined above and hurry into things.
Stunning as it might seem, marriages between Muslims that are
contracted and then broken inside a week or a month or a year have
become common place occurrences amongst us. Don't add yourself to the
record of marriage casualties because you could not take time or had
been too desperate for matrimony to find out about or get to know the
individual with whom you plan to spend the remainder of your life.
11. Ask yourself, Do I desire this man/woman to be the father/mother of
my children? If it does not feel just right to you, ponder it over once
more. Keep in mind, marriage is not simply for today or tomorrow but for
life, and for the principal purpose of creating a family. If the
individual in question does not appear like the type who would make a
great parent, you are apt to find yourself struggling to bring up your
children without any support from him or her - or even with harmful
input - in the future.
12. Never let yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage. Your
heart must feel good about it, not somebody else's. Once more,
allegations of "Religousness" - he is devout, has a beard, frequents the
Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not speak to men- are
not necessarily guarantees of a good quality partner for you or of a
good marriage, but are just a component of a overall picture. If an
individual practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or
externals, odds are he /she has not actually understood and is not
actually living Islam. Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) that
Islam enjoins between marriage partners is essential for a successful
relationship, and these are the main qualities to be looked for in a
potential partner.
13. Never consent to partaking in a marriage for a set time or in
exchange for a figure of money. (Mut'a marriage). This kind of marriages
are specifically not allowed in Islam and entering into them is a
sinful doing, as marriage should be entered into with a clear intent of
it being permanent, for life, not for a limited and set period.
single muslim
If these suggestions are taken, Insha' Allah the odds of making a
mistake that might ruin the remainder of your life can be minimised.